So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
