Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
