He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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