There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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