my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
