Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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