Banned from zoo.
Again?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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