My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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