apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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