Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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