Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
