I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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