walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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