Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
