I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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