So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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