saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i think i have two assholes
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
