Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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