As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
