i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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