I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
