I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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