im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
