She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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