life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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