dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
