Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
