I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
