haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
