that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
