And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
