nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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