I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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