I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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