I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
