She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize