Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
