yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
