Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
