I cannot find my penis.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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