my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Houston, we have a squirter
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize