don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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