i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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