I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
