I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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