I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
