Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
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