Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
