There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
