i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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