cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize