You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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