you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
