hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
