At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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