I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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