There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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