The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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