this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
