You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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