the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
